Now that little things have once again become important ,
And the pain of seeing big dreams crumble and die down has ended.....
It seems like life is like a clear sky after the dark clouds have floated away and so fresh like the green and shinning nature after a breezy shower........

Life is simple, beautiful and easy.......I realise it now and then.....keep forgetting it easily when troubles start ruling my mind and all the blessings seem small infront of tem.....

I jus wanna learn how to feel grateful always for the beauty and simplicity that my life is filled with like the faith of my parents ....and the love of those who matter and the ,money to buy me enough to enjoy my life and so much more....
Let me learn to forget all thats so small .....so small infront of all that I have ....my blessings ...and luck that save e every now and then....

Like the other day ....when I thought I have no money.....I found a folded 100 bucks in the tiny pocket of my bag....and just so much when I wanted to travel by an autio ...being in no mood to fight my way through the stinky crowd in the bus.......

God kept my little desire ....took care of my mood....I should not forget to thank him for this....!!!

Chasing ....my Thoughts ......Offfffffffff

Do we build life.....create life .....or live it?
well there are so many times when i feel like writing whats in my mind , but then without falling into any thought process propelled by the idea or my intention to write...I want to write just that very thought that is floating in my mind in that very moment . Even right now, I want to write whatever is walking the lanes of my mind...without even me knowing about it.

I feel ......much beyond what I am thinking right now and writing ....theres something else that my mind and thoughts were preoccupied with ...that my conscious mind knows not. I mean theres no way I am ever able to catch my silent thoughts . As soon as I direct all my focus within my own mind to view those silent thoughts playing in my mental garden.....they seem to just vanish and run away as if someone scary is trying to chase them and they would not let it happen !!


Ohhh......even now what I wrote wasa product of the application of my thoughts on my thoughts...yaeh exactly u are rite its all so jumbled up.....whereas I just wanted to observe what was going on within me throughout the day.....and I wanted to observe and pen them down here.........

Any way.....my luck might just get better nextime....I failed this time...though I see my fingers moving on the keyboard with the speed of my thoughts as if not to make any single thought wait for me to register it over here....else it would mind the wait and slip away......!!

I caught you all.....see..:)))

"SeaSoNaL LoVeR"....Me....yeah Not seAsOn BuT sEaSoNaL LoVer....GOd SaVe Me....!!!!

With a real bothering headache..I write this Blog...seems I have a reason to be happy...may be I am looking forward to something beautiful happening after sometime..later in the day...that makes me ignore my headache so easily and stay so happy....

I also feel its something to do with the weather....Rains and spring two seasons in the year....when I fall in love with everything appening in my life ...and ofcourse with someone whose the best at that point in time in the corridors of my life...Yeah...I am a seasonal Lover....HuH...

Wow ...I like that coinage ... "Seasonal Lover"

It just rained outside while I was busy working on an Ecel Sheet.....frankly speaking I was enjoyin it today.....unlike the other times when I struggle with these cells and rows and columns.....all because I now and then took a glimpse of the rain falling on the big glass pains of the windows just behind me......Green leaves at the top of the tall tall trees as if dancing to the music of the rain...or the music of the wind... only they know better what...I felt like theres no reason to worry in life...

Not even about living away from my parents when they need me so much with them for reasons that are more emotional than for any other reason...and not even when I am not enjoying the kind of work I get paid for....not even when I do not know...what I want to do next if not this work...not even when I have so many pending tasks ahead to be completed on a sunday thats tomorrow...not even when I have no money on me these das and am indebted till neck ...not even when m running out necessities in life...not even when I havent found thAT someone special I would feel proud and blessed to introduce to my parents ....not even when I have this bad migraine headache that refuses to leave me ...trying hard to spoil my evening I so much wait for.....

Afterall SaTUrday Evenings are my incentive/motivation/or whatever you may say....for the whole week....:))

.........For a gooODY gOOOODY Friend ....I thank u God!!

.........Now that I saw you reading this....I felt like I've found a friend ....so honest and so much near....!!!

The very realisation of this fact brings so much of a satisfaction to me ...that I feel I am blessed and lucky....and that God loves me for sure....even though I dont remember him often!!!

Hey God ....has strange ways of bringing people into our life...sometimes they just dont seem to be there when they are always there and .......sometimes they were never there ...when all you thought was their Love, support and are!!

Strange ya....U are strange God....Love Ya....for this one...a cute fren...whom you've just dropped in my life as if ....u were dropping Gifts from heaven ...and I got this one!! :)

Love contradicts itself.....

.......Theres a very wierd kind of a fear that suddenly hits me strong on my face and leaves my heart pounding loudly.....wheneveryou say something about the future....whenever you tell me you want to do this. and this and this, and this......Somehow for yet not so strange reasons I start praying that you stop sharing yor plans with me.
What if these plans.....never see the light of the day.....and you leave me .....with the memories of your unrealised dreams. That would hurt so much when you are no longer there and without having seen your deep desires or even the trivial ones realised in your lifetime.
Yeah Trur for sure fera of loosing is one of the worst varieties of fear that can take anyone in its grip. It so much overpowers me whenever I look at your tired body....., and the lines on your face , and the pepper and salt hair, and the pains that you complain of rarely though, and the medicines that have become a part of your routine, your life now. I dont want to lose you, and not with unfulfilled dreams for sure.

But , I understand the reality too and so I fear.......being haunted by the memories of the things that you so much wanted to see happen in your own lifetime.....really I fear listening to your desires now....

My love for you is strange....it sure gives me strength all the times , and also it makes me weak and broken when I realise I can Lose you anytime.......

"Love is like a stubborn child.......you will hate it for the pain it brings to you.....and yet you will so much want it around ...everywhere..... all the times"

Let me stay your child!!!

what is that the mind knows as the word "success"??
It doesnt attract me......if the definition is laced with losing peace of mind andthen getting barely 5 hours of sleep in a day, a tired body throughout theday, not getting time enough to call up friends and add a bit of feekings into them form time to time, not doing things like sitting idle for hours doodling my pen on a plain sheet and waiting for just that one line that can strike a chord with my hungry for words soul.......whats this money earning business all about afterall. Whose gonna take it all anyway??

I can't seem to stop having the fun out of the day to be able to earn more and more and more and............................................>>>>>>to be able to enjoy tomorrow./ Who knows if I am to see one or not??
Complacency....this is what else sometimes it comes to me. But then , I have always been like this. If this still is "complacency ina way" , I seriously cant be active . I am seriously careless about so many things that largely matter to so many of "my age".......fun for me is not just in earning more to be able to spend more on myself. Its about having enough time to know that I am growing, that I am enjoying what I do, that I am adding aa bit of my style to the way things are around me, to be able to sit with special friends holding hands and listening to the noises falling into deep wells of silence within me, doing things that I so much like to do, rather than postponing them sine die........Hh there are many things that money can't buy......yeah!! for everything else I need mastermind///a mind thats free.....and happy and can scream , and laugh and cry and ask questions and learn more and experience things, and explore myself and the beautiful people and world around me........!!

work is fine .....but losing on the way the one for whom I earn.........."MyselF".........the one for what I earn....."Peace and joy" how intelligent is that?? Even peanuts cause starin and stres and lack of time.

The lack of time syndrome ....was enough for me to realie that I need to manage my time well now......else no matter how big a balance I have on am cell.......I'll keep thinking whom to call up.....since moving ahead washed away all that I came with ......a bargain in which I had to lose much to gain more.......
I seriously cant see this happeningto mylife and the ones that stay in it as my loved ones ......beyond all success ....lies the joy of knowing that I have not built castles without someone to knock into the doors of my castles!!!


God , I pray .....and if you listen to the one who thinks of you very few times in life......"Give me the joy that is beyond greed......let me keep enjoyingthe little pleasure of life ......let me be easy ....andinnocent and .....and let me spreadthe joy thats within me.....and give the strength to believe ....and keep believing in all that I wrote today.........coz Iknow this is the truth.....and truth is alwaystestedby time.
Give the strength to come out of all those tests of time .....with flying colours....still living and believing in simplicity......love .......and .....fun...!!!"

Amen!!!!

...Daily surprises..From me to me!!

....sometimes, I feel that I need to talk it out to myself to get a clearer picture of the state of affairs with me ...And when I take the first step towards isolation , I feel an urgent need to sit down with someone, who could hear my silent thoughts , the unquiet side of my mind ....while I do all the thinking. I don't know , who is it....I try to befool..."me" or "the one with whom I sit and try to talk" , but at the back of my mind I know ,I need to stay calm, quiet and undisturbed. I need sometime by myself, all by myself.....I need to see the Ghosts of my life walking , and I need to face them on my own. But then why have I suddenly been so incapable of handling myself all alone???!! Why have I started feeling that, I need someone to cheer me up and pull me out of this rut?? And all this when I so much Know the only one I can trust is the last one I should!!!

I am going through a phase , wherein I am surprised at every moment to discover my hidden needs, my unexplored self....and just when I think I have got hold over my actual and real self , I change and I surprise myself all this while.



wHo says....No one can understand anyone....I say the deal is to be able to understand our ownself...quiet cliched I know , but I can't overule whats so rue , and what I am experiencing day in and day out.....just to be able to come up with something new.....in the literary sphere!!!!

Hats Off ......To Them!!

..as if I don’t see so many forms …..in which life survives….on a Sunday…. when m not on a Bus…..so much we have learnt, so much we have built ….so much more we know now ….about the moon, the stars, about the life on mars, and below the earth and in the sea……and we know how to fly and we can hear each other speaking , laughing, crying no matter how for we are ….we have so much more now …than mere imaginations…mere wishes…and I wonder wot more is to come……!!!


But for some …its still a daily battle to drop something down the gullet into the hungry pouch…they dance, n sing…n beg n walk miles and miles ….in the sun, in the crowd, in the rain, in the wind… and on the Buses!!!!

Life doesn’t feel sorry…for them!!!! Pride is wot I see in their eyes for they have more of it …THE LIFE!!Alittle brother …with a more little sister…boarding the bus…the brother playing the harmonium with his small, dark, sun burnt hands…. black greasy nails you would seem to puke at once you see them early in the morning on your way to office….. but then u dismiss the thought coz you know they are busy enough for these things to ever let them become a concern… and the sister dancing on numbers like … “bidi jalaile……jigar se piya…..jigar ma badi aag hai”

Phew!!!!….. Still the innocence. …Stands taller than vulgarity…strength stands taller than the fate… …and hope stands taller than the hardships…hope to earn da “ tutey”…a few more today…And the brother knows he is the elder one and …and that his sister is a girl…. true..I can see that he knows so much more ….I can see that in his eyes …when he calls on her…and murmurs something between his teeth as they get down the bus…. he looking straight into the eyes of that man …who finds no reason to feel the shame!!

And today …when she came and stood besides me..With those two flat grey stones …or whatever that is supposed to be …I saw in her eyes such a dark shade of “yellow” and I understand…. but that’s all I do…. she has no time to take rest…. there isn’t an option with her…. dying out of hunger is a weak reason to die I suppose…no one would want that….. disease is still, a reason to die with pride… that’s not your fault!!! May be that is what sends her daily to climb Buses and sing and..then touch the feet of all of us sitting and looking at her as if not wanting her to come to us ….b’coz we know we cant shell out even few bucks on her….. and we know we are ashamed of it…BUT we know we cannot afford it daily…coz we have our daily expenses to meet out TOO!!! Don’t we….???


And when I am struggling to take care that my dupatta stays…atleast manages to serve its purpose …in the limited space where I am standing on my feet…with so many standing and sitting all around me….I am managing somehow not to fall and hurt myself…not to allow that gentleman peep into, where he so much can’t help but …and all the time when I am busy taking care of my handbag…and cursing the day….and the men…and the eyes…I find her so smoothly …managing to sing and protect her baby….her son who is busy sleeping in the pouch she has made tying a dirty checked linen around her thin waste ……she is singing and ….she says….…. “halwa banaongi….maa…….”

And I see her doing the same thing ….in the same way…. like that little girl…with yellow eyes… And she gets down my bus….I know she wont stop…she’ll be boarding so many of them …long after I have reached my comfortable seat in the office….sipping my cup of Coffee….and picking up the incomplete chores …meeting my deadlines….and missing them so much…all of them…as I sit in the bus in the evening!!!1 Thanking God…. they take some rest…after all the days work…like me!!!

I’ll meet at least one of them. …again tomorrow!!!!

Wots da Big deal.....!!!??!!!

I don’t seem to be having a goal..and I plan not to plan for some more time to come... giving myself sometime…after all…where is the need to rush …why do I never feel that time is running out of my hands like the grains of sand. I don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone, if that doesn’t give me a good night’s sleep.

I believe in myself ….no matter this phase, which sometimes forces me to rethink about the estimate I place on myself. Staying at a place where my creative self stifles and I just pamper it with hope each time…and it manages to fool its last breath! And Phew !!! the mission; seems accomplished for another day or two atleast. Picking up the pieces of my crumbling faith in the word ‘possible’ has become, a task for me, to be accomplished every alternate day…sometimes even on a daily basis.

Doing what one doesn’t seem to be able to relate to is what I have been doing day in and day out for the last 5 months now!! Trying to be able to find some sort of a connection, some acquaintance, I have lived these few months on a daily basis. And I don’t regret a bit! I don’t find any reason for cursing myself, feeling sorry or finding myself any less than what I am!!

Its okay, I tried something and realized , that my heart doesn’t lie there. And, it’s not for a longtime that I can try this out more. Life is all about trying new things. And whatever we do in life, this one life, there is a first time, ain’t there? I tried it, and I tried it successfully…but Love isn’t a decision!!

I coudnt rise in love. ……and falling in love, is an idea that has never captivated my desires! Law isn’t the love that can happen to me…the legal text repels me, and drains out all the energies in me…..the manmade system no matter its might, its utility, its intellect ….never could this seem to make me stand in awe of it!!

I find this al funny, delving into the technicalities, that are self designed, and then trying to find a way out of the maze we ourselves constructed, thinking this is a masterpiece of our intellectual architecture. My soft literary self refuses to walk in the galleries of this maze. I prefer the maze of human reality, that’s beyond the books!

May be I have never been able to feel and believe therefore in the fact that someone, no matter how old, bold, or super intellectual, can give me answers to the quest within me. And even if they could, my independent self would but, refuse to surrender to readymade answers, and then falling into the discussions with someone in order to be able to convince him that I am more right, or less wrong, appear to be an insane’s adventure !

Nothing seems to be so fascinating rite now, enough for me to be able to give me something to converge all my energies into it and expect an outcome that can breathe in the air of success and grow in the surroundings of satisfaction and grow deep within and without!

Till then the quest shall go on!!! Jumping and hopping in the womb of life I have realized, this time is never gonna stay for long…..and so ‘this’ matters to me more than ‘that’….atleast I haven’t yet fallen out of the womb of Life!!

"BURNT ...OUT...."

For someone like me : who is so much alert to the present transforming into a memory....throwing away the little little things like toffee wrappers, gift covers, old notebooks where I played crosses n knots wid frenz, movie tickets dat I watched wid smeone special, the bills n all, a pen I wrote my last 5 years f Graduation....all this seems so difficult...!!

But i really broke out of this keeping all da stack .....n I really threw away so many f the old meaningless vague poetry...incomplete letters, pics I hate myself in...cards from people who no longer matter....may be never mattered... my old diary (dat stands a witness to al my new year resolutions...riting a diary being one of the universal ones ....an annual vow)...old sms'es dat leave no space in ma Inbox....clothes dat I no longer wear....or never wore...numbers i nvr call up or pick up calls from...HHHHHHHHHAAAAHHHhhh

And it feels so light ...nvr knew...nvr realised ...hw much unwanted burden I used to carry wid me ...n since so long now...

getting into the groove of present ....so much requires that I come out of the old...n step into the new...old order changeth giving place to new afterall...Theres no reason why sticking to the past should become a habit..n trust me I never really bothered to look into all those things and papers ..n clothes..n pics for all those years now...didnt even know they exist.

Emotions , n feelings , n sentiments ....(and all the synonymous abstract feellings) make u do so much that u later realise wasnt required ...But its okay...until u nevr learn to give them away ..leave them behind n walk away!!I always have been one greedy gurl who wud keep every l'lle thing...proof...of an event ...to satisfy my curiosity ..if at all they arise to look into it later in the life...n so many of them js lie with me ..n I dont even remember they do..This time I decided to let them go...to where they belong...past dats burnt out!!

there are chances dat I might stand the risk of sounding like a just to practical ....here...unemotional may be ...BUT past is worth keeping ..only in some proportion...I mean if I can say like this ..there are two kinds of pasts ...one thats fragrant n lives in the memory....n one dat has burnt out n no where to be pampered i my thoughts or remembrances...And Today I got rid of the ashes of those past...dat has burnt out!!!

And its cleaner .....n lighter...fresh ...n all so new...till I clear away the scribbles ...I have no space left rite smething meaningful on the sheet called ' my life' ....

...all tOpsy turvy ....PhAse!!!

why does it have to be like this......???
I hate to begin a conversation with questions though.....but smetimes I js dont seem to be having even some sort of a symbolic answer to few issues.....find my self so screwed up with things at times....so much so dat.......forget about seeing light at the end of da tunnel.....I dont even see its end....!!!!

HmmhMMM..seems as if life wil no more be systematic...in control....in my charge...its got all so tied up in strange and wierd issues...like ...being back in da hostel by 8:30 pm ....leaving for da office by 8:30 am .....wishing clothes da whole sunday...completeing assignments for college...getting top ups done too often n still running out of balance always ...when need be for an urgent call...daily standing infront of da wardrobe thinking wot to wear for office......hoping I'll find smethng old yet new to wear...as if ma wardrobe would have been generating babies out of ma stacked clothes....walking daily in n out of da office sharing a secret wid maslf which none can imagine lives....(come close n I'll whisper.....or I think its better to leave it rite there...)

Its really not all dat funny....wheres da time ....time is not being friendly to me nwadays...it gets long wn I want it short ....n it flies away...wn I want it longer....!!!
Planning is smething dat cnt find a way with anything in ma life ...be it meeting frens, attending family functions....completing pending assignments...buying daily necessities...studying..reading da newspaper...atleast listening to sme news ....doing yoga...a l'lle buit f routine in life....No way..!!

I really knw ...its js a phase n so m able to stand it f so long nw....kind f njoyin it too...but nw for once I want things settled ...atleast sme routin needs to get into action else ...I'll live such a tribal hush up life day in n day out all thru.....c'mmon let me have bgin wid having sme lunch its already 3:30 nw..!!

NoTHiNg DoINg...

NOTHING DOING....!!!!

m like wot....???? wot m I upto ....damn it??? wot ?? is is that nothings going rite .....or I am all for da wrong direction....!!!1God ....don't tell me even u don't knw..!! u dnt wanna tell ...dats okay still....but I need to confirm atleast one personn knows ....what on earth m I doing at this shitty place ...called office!

its just not what I am meant to be doing ...in life! If nothing else, atleast I am really sure about this , that m not gonna vile away my creative splurge of energy here in smelling these dusty files and passing contended smiles at these C-rated devoid of self respect individuals!!

who says work is difficult or boring...its all about the team with which you are ordained to work!!
And m not good with asses for sure!!

its kind of weird......smetimes...u js stop feeling !!!And then u js absolutely ...stand a mute spectator to everything happening around you!!I may be wrong ...may be just too correct...I can't care less...but I guess its when ...little things in life go unnoticed about....that the hault comes and then stagnancy!!

Now ....when does that happen ....little things n all dat not mattering state...when da heart can't reach out for the thoughts....and thoughts can't reach out for feelings....Sounds all haywire to you...rite?it is but....very simple, very staright!!!Going into a shell and coming out does help...once but not always....what would help forever is staying i touch with the little things around!! A special smile that came your way, a warm hug ....dat came as a surprise, a call dat u had dumped in limbo of hope......a message dat says u r special , u r important to someone.....a flower that grew suddenly... u didnt get a hint when; cool breeze flowing through your hair n you feeling like a beauty that fears no rejections, trust in the eyes of a child ......that says come play with me, I like you......a squirrel crossing your way and suddenly not moving ...not fearing you......so much.....theres so much to make us happy around !!1


......And losing into it ....seems difficult?? Waiting for something that ....would come our way journeying through the galleries of hope and future.....I stand here thinking how many times I failed to smile back at a Rose, a little Bird, a stranger, a friend......all those times when I thought life's not giving me my share of it!!1

how foolish ...how sane ....how kiddish ...hw greedy......I can be!!!

hey life .....hold me in your arms ....and I would never let you go......my smiles fixed ....n joys becoming easy!!!!
.......love me life....I love you lots!!!