..as if I don’t see so many forms …..in which life survives….on a Sunday…. when m not on a Bus…..so much we have learnt, so much we have built ….so much more we know now ….about the moon, the stars, about the life on mars, and below the earth and in the sea……and we know how to fly and we can hear each other speaking , laughing, crying no matter how for we are ….we have so much more now …than mere imaginations…mere wishes…and I wonder wot more is to come……!!!
But for some …its still a daily battle to drop something down the gullet into the hungry pouch…they dance, n sing…n beg n walk miles and miles ….in the sun, in the crowd, in the rain, in the wind… and on the Buses!!!!
Life doesn’t feel sorry…for them!!!! Pride is wot I see in their eyes for they have more of it …THE LIFE!!Alittle brother …with a more little sister…boarding the bus…the brother playing the harmonium with his small, dark, sun burnt hands…. black greasy nails you would seem to puke at once you see them early in the morning on your way to office….. but then u dismiss the thought coz you know they are busy enough for these things to ever let them become a concern… and the sister dancing on numbers like … “bidi jalaile……jigar se piya…..jigar ma badi aag hai”
Phew!!!!….. Still the innocence. …Stands taller than vulgarity…strength stands taller than the fate… …and hope stands taller than the hardships…hope to earn da “ tutey”…a few more today…And the brother knows he is the elder one and …and that his sister is a girl…. true..I can see that he knows so much more ….I can see that in his eyes …when he calls on her…and murmurs something between his teeth as they get down the bus…. he looking straight into the eyes of that man …who finds no reason to feel the shame!!
And today …when she came and stood besides me..With those two flat grey stones …or whatever that is supposed to be …I saw in her eyes such a dark shade of “yellow” and I understand…. but that’s all I do…. she has no time to take rest…. there isn’t an option with her…. dying out of hunger is a weak reason to die I suppose…no one would want that….. disease is still, a reason to die with pride… that’s not your fault!!! May be that is what sends her daily to climb Buses and sing and..then touch the feet of all of us sitting and looking at her as if not wanting her to come to us ….b’coz we know we cant shell out even few bucks on her….. and we know we are ashamed of it…BUT we know we cannot afford it daily…coz we have our daily expenses to meet out TOO!!! Don’t we….???
And when I am struggling to take care that my dupatta stays…atleast manages to serve its purpose …in the limited space where I am standing on my feet…with so many standing and sitting all around me….I am managing somehow not to fall and hurt myself…not to allow that gentleman peep into, where he so much can’t help but …and all the time when I am busy taking care of my handbag…and cursing the day….and the men…and the eyes…I find her so smoothly …managing to sing and protect her baby….her son who is busy sleeping in the pouch she has made tying a dirty checked linen around her thin waste ……she is singing and ….she says….…. “halwa banaongi….maa…….”
And I see her doing the same thing ….in the same way…. like that little girl…with yellow eyes… And she gets down my bus….I know she wont stop…she’ll be boarding so many of them …long after I have reached my comfortable seat in the office….sipping my cup of Coffee….and picking up the incomplete chores …meeting my deadlines….and missing them so much…all of them…as I sit in the bus in the evening!!!1 Thanking God…. they take some rest…after all the days work…like me!!!
I’ll meet at least one of them. …again tomorrow!!!!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Wots da Big deal.....!!!??!!!
I don’t seem to be having a goal..and I plan not to plan for some more time to come... giving myself sometime…after all…where is the need to rush …why do I never feel that time is running out of my hands like the grains of sand. I don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone, if that doesn’t give me a good night’s sleep.
I believe in myself ….no matter this phase, which sometimes forces me to rethink about the estimate I place on myself. Staying at a place where my creative self stifles and I just pamper it with hope each time…and it manages to fool its last breath! And Phew !!! the mission; seems accomplished for another day or two atleast. Picking up the pieces of my crumbling faith in the word ‘possible’ has become, a task for me, to be accomplished every alternate day…sometimes even on a daily basis.
Doing what one doesn’t seem to be able to relate to is what I have been doing day in and day out for the last 5 months now!! Trying to be able to find some sort of a connection, some acquaintance, I have lived these few months on a daily basis. And I don’t regret a bit! I don’t find any reason for cursing myself, feeling sorry or finding myself any less than what I am!!
Its okay, I tried something and realized , that my heart doesn’t lie there. And, it’s not for a longtime that I can try this out more. Life is all about trying new things. And whatever we do in life, this one life, there is a first time, ain’t there? I tried it, and I tried it successfully…but Love isn’t a decision!!
I coudnt rise in love. ……and falling in love, is an idea that has never captivated my desires! Law isn’t the love that can happen to me…the legal text repels me, and drains out all the energies in me…..the manmade system no matter its might, its utility, its intellect ….never could this seem to make me stand in awe of it!!
I find this al funny, delving into the technicalities, that are self designed, and then trying to find a way out of the maze we ourselves constructed, thinking this is a masterpiece of our intellectual architecture. My soft literary self refuses to walk in the galleries of this maze. I prefer the maze of human reality, that’s beyond the books!
May be I have never been able to feel and believe therefore in the fact that someone, no matter how old, bold, or super intellectual, can give me answers to the quest within me. And even if they could, my independent self would but, refuse to surrender to readymade answers, and then falling into the discussions with someone in order to be able to convince him that I am more right, or less wrong, appear to be an insane’s adventure !
Nothing seems to be so fascinating rite now, enough for me to be able to give me something to converge all my energies into it and expect an outcome that can breathe in the air of success and grow in the surroundings of satisfaction and grow deep within and without!
Till then the quest shall go on!!! Jumping and hopping in the womb of life I have realized, this time is never gonna stay for long…..and so ‘this’ matters to me more than ‘that’….atleast I haven’t yet fallen out of the womb of Life!!
I believe in myself ….no matter this phase, which sometimes forces me to rethink about the estimate I place on myself. Staying at a place where my creative self stifles and I just pamper it with hope each time…and it manages to fool its last breath! And Phew !!! the mission; seems accomplished for another day or two atleast. Picking up the pieces of my crumbling faith in the word ‘possible’ has become, a task for me, to be accomplished every alternate day…sometimes even on a daily basis.
Doing what one doesn’t seem to be able to relate to is what I have been doing day in and day out for the last 5 months now!! Trying to be able to find some sort of a connection, some acquaintance, I have lived these few months on a daily basis. And I don’t regret a bit! I don’t find any reason for cursing myself, feeling sorry or finding myself any less than what I am!!
Its okay, I tried something and realized , that my heart doesn’t lie there. And, it’s not for a longtime that I can try this out more. Life is all about trying new things. And whatever we do in life, this one life, there is a first time, ain’t there? I tried it, and I tried it successfully…but Love isn’t a decision!!
I coudnt rise in love. ……and falling in love, is an idea that has never captivated my desires! Law isn’t the love that can happen to me…the legal text repels me, and drains out all the energies in me…..the manmade system no matter its might, its utility, its intellect ….never could this seem to make me stand in awe of it!!
I find this al funny, delving into the technicalities, that are self designed, and then trying to find a way out of the maze we ourselves constructed, thinking this is a masterpiece of our intellectual architecture. My soft literary self refuses to walk in the galleries of this maze. I prefer the maze of human reality, that’s beyond the books!
May be I have never been able to feel and believe therefore in the fact that someone, no matter how old, bold, or super intellectual, can give me answers to the quest within me. And even if they could, my independent self would but, refuse to surrender to readymade answers, and then falling into the discussions with someone in order to be able to convince him that I am more right, or less wrong, appear to be an insane’s adventure !
Nothing seems to be so fascinating rite now, enough for me to be able to give me something to converge all my energies into it and expect an outcome that can breathe in the air of success and grow in the surroundings of satisfaction and grow deep within and without!
Till then the quest shall go on!!! Jumping and hopping in the womb of life I have realized, this time is never gonna stay for long…..and so ‘this’ matters to me more than ‘that’….atleast I haven’t yet fallen out of the womb of Life!!
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
"BURNT ...OUT...."
For someone like me : who is so much alert to the present transforming into a memory....throwing away the little little things like toffee wrappers, gift covers, old notebooks where I played crosses n knots wid frenz, movie tickets dat I watched wid smeone special, the bills n all, a pen I wrote my last 5 years f Graduation....all this seems so difficult...!!
But i really broke out of this keeping all da stack .....n I really threw away so many f the old meaningless vague poetry...incomplete letters, pics I hate myself in...cards from people who no longer matter....may be never mattered... my old diary (dat stands a witness to al my new year resolutions...riting a diary being one of the universal ones ....an annual vow)...old sms'es dat leave no space in ma Inbox....clothes dat I no longer wear....or never wore...numbers i nvr call up or pick up calls from...HHHHHHHHHAAAAHHHhhh
And it feels so light ...nvr knew...nvr realised ...hw much unwanted burden I used to carry wid me ...n since so long now...
getting into the groove of present ....so much requires that I come out of the old...n step into the new...old order changeth giving place to new afterall...Theres no reason why sticking to the past should become a habit..n trust me I never really bothered to look into all those things and papers ..n clothes..n pics for all those years now...didnt even know they exist.
Emotions , n feelings , n sentiments ....(and all the synonymous abstract feellings) make u do so much that u later realise wasnt required ...But its okay...until u nevr learn to give them away ..leave them behind n walk away!!I always have been one greedy gurl who wud keep every l'lle thing...proof...of an event ...to satisfy my curiosity ..if at all they arise to look into it later in the life...n so many of them js lie with me ..n I dont even remember they do..This time I decided to let them go...to where they belong...past dats burnt out!!
there are chances dat I might stand the risk of sounding like a just to practical ....here...unemotional may be ...BUT past is worth keeping ..only in some proportion...I mean if I can say like this ..there are two kinds of pasts ...one thats fragrant n lives in the memory....n one dat has burnt out n no where to be pampered i my thoughts or remembrances...And Today I got rid of the ashes of those past...dat has burnt out!!!
And its cleaner .....n lighter...fresh ...n all so new...till I clear away the scribbles ...I have no space left rite smething meaningful on the sheet called ' my life' ....
But i really broke out of this keeping all da stack .....n I really threw away so many f the old meaningless vague poetry...incomplete letters, pics I hate myself in...cards from people who no longer matter....may be never mattered... my old diary (dat stands a witness to al my new year resolutions...riting a diary being one of the universal ones ....an annual vow)...old sms'es dat leave no space in ma Inbox....clothes dat I no longer wear....or never wore...numbers i nvr call up or pick up calls from...HHHHHHHHHAAAAHHHhhh
And it feels so light ...nvr knew...nvr realised ...hw much unwanted burden I used to carry wid me ...n since so long now...
getting into the groove of present ....so much requires that I come out of the old...n step into the new...old order changeth giving place to new afterall...Theres no reason why sticking to the past should become a habit..n trust me I never really bothered to look into all those things and papers ..n clothes..n pics for all those years now...didnt even know they exist.
Emotions , n feelings , n sentiments ....(and all the synonymous abstract feellings) make u do so much that u later realise wasnt required ...But its okay...until u nevr learn to give them away ..leave them behind n walk away!!I always have been one greedy gurl who wud keep every l'lle thing...proof...of an event ...to satisfy my curiosity ..if at all they arise to look into it later in the life...n so many of them js lie with me ..n I dont even remember they do..This time I decided to let them go...to where they belong...past dats burnt out!!
there are chances dat I might stand the risk of sounding like a just to practical ....here...unemotional may be ...BUT past is worth keeping ..only in some proportion...I mean if I can say like this ..there are two kinds of pasts ...one thats fragrant n lives in the memory....n one dat has burnt out n no where to be pampered i my thoughts or remembrances...And Today I got rid of the ashes of those past...dat has burnt out!!!
And its cleaner .....n lighter...fresh ...n all so new...till I clear away the scribbles ...I have no space left rite smething meaningful on the sheet called ' my life' ....
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