I don’t seem to be having a goal..and I plan not to plan for some more time to come... giving myself sometime…after all…where is the need to rush …why do I never feel that time is running out of my hands like the grains of sand. I don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone, if that doesn’t give me a good night’s sleep.
I believe in myself ….no matter this phase, which sometimes forces me to rethink about the estimate I place on myself. Staying at a place where my creative self stifles and I just pamper it with hope each time…and it manages to fool its last breath! And Phew !!! the mission; seems accomplished for another day or two atleast. Picking up the pieces of my crumbling faith in the word ‘possible’ has become, a task for me, to be accomplished every alternate day…sometimes even on a daily basis.
Doing what one doesn’t seem to be able to relate to is what I have been doing day in and day out for the last 5 months now!! Trying to be able to find some sort of a connection, some acquaintance, I have lived these few months on a daily basis. And I don’t regret a bit! I don’t find any reason for cursing myself, feeling sorry or finding myself any less than what I am!!
Its okay, I tried something and realized , that my heart doesn’t lie there. And, it’s not for a longtime that I can try this out more. Life is all about trying new things. And whatever we do in life, this one life, there is a first time, ain’t there? I tried it, and I tried it successfully…but Love isn’t a decision!!
I coudnt rise in love. ……and falling in love, is an idea that has never captivated my desires! Law isn’t the love that can happen to me…the legal text repels me, and drains out all the energies in me…..the manmade system no matter its might, its utility, its intellect ….never could this seem to make me stand in awe of it!!
I find this al funny, delving into the technicalities, that are self designed, and then trying to find a way out of the maze we ourselves constructed, thinking this is a masterpiece of our intellectual architecture. My soft literary self refuses to walk in the galleries of this maze. I prefer the maze of human reality, that’s beyond the books!
May be I have never been able to feel and believe therefore in the fact that someone, no matter how old, bold, or super intellectual, can give me answers to the quest within me. And even if they could, my independent self would but, refuse to surrender to readymade answers, and then falling into the discussions with someone in order to be able to convince him that I am more right, or less wrong, appear to be an insane’s adventure !
Nothing seems to be so fascinating rite now, enough for me to be able to give me something to converge all my energies into it and expect an outcome that can breathe in the air of success and grow in the surroundings of satisfaction and grow deep within and without!
Till then the quest shall go on!!! Jumping and hopping in the womb of life I have realized, this time is never gonna stay for long…..and so ‘this’ matters to me more than ‘that’….atleast I haven’t yet fallen out of the womb of Life!!
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